Josh Patten

Last night comedy heartthrob Don Fanelli and I performed as The Billy Joels at the Brooks Brothers Christmas Clambake at UCB, singing an updated “We Didn’t Start The Fire” that summarizes 2011’s news and Mr. Joel’s death spiral.  Lyrics are below—gather around the glowing box with the rest of your hobo friends/future murderers and sing along to the above video! (NSFW because of a graphic Smurf blowjob picture)

We Didn’t Start the Fire 2011

Egypt, South Sudan, Arab Spring, drones in Iran
Packers win, Giffords shot, I smoke a lot of pot

Adele, Game of Thrones, Kanye West, I sleep alone
Recession’s a double dip, never-ending nasal drip

Weiner, Dick Pics, Nadal and Djokovic
Qwikster, Wikileaks, haven’t been sober for weeks

Norway shooting, Bridesmaids, Ron Paul, treatments for AIDS
How can I make the pain go, King’s Speech and Rango!

CHORUS
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

Chipwrecked, Nate Dogg, shitty shows from a blog
Protestors in Pakistan, radiation in Japan

Irene, Amanda Knox, been 5 years since I’ve munched box
Pitbull, Gaga, pepper spray a grandma

Women’s Cup, Sports leagues strike, halfway house makes me take a hike
Greek debt, Gaddafi, jerked off to Casey Anthony

Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Gingrich is back again
US Troops leave Iraq, I have another heart attack-ack-ack

CHORUS

Tyler Perry, Bruno Mars, Libya, sequel to Cars
Wall St. Occupy, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

Debt Ceiling, Triple A, All my pubes have turned gray
Songs by Drake, New York quake, crashed my car into a lake

Obama, Britney Spears, haven’t seen my kids in years,
Space shuttle’s last flights, Drug cartel gun fights

Boehner, Red Sox collapse, Quaalude addiction relapse
Sandusky molests recruits, Hep C and Puss in Boots

CHORUS

Royal wedding, Big Three, HuffPo, ads for Whitney
Watson, Mubarak, for money I’ll suck some dick

Andy Rooney, Steve Jobs, I realize there is no God
Tebow, Macho Man, Eating beans straight from the can

Ape Planet, Hitchens dies, Michele Bachmann’s crazy eyes
O-SAM-A, blown away, I sleep on a bed of hay!

CHORUS:

Amy Winehouse, Mike Buble, I’ve had lots of tooth decay
Get fat on Digiornio, my stash of weird porno

Here we are no concerts booked, these clams are undercooked
Spent a week inside a well, repeal of don’t ask don’t tell

I am Bankrupt, can’t pay my rent, performing in this basement
Donald Trump, Career sucks, I could give half a fuck

City parks ban smoke, I will suck your dick for coke
Not saying that as a joke I WILL SUCK YOUR DICK FOR COKE

CHORUS