Alanis Morissette’s 1995 hit “You Oughta Know” famously describes her previous relationship with Dave Coulier. While Alanis remains tight-lipped on the subject, Uncle Joey has confirmed this urban legend to be fact, which makes this line tremendously gross:
I want you to know, that I’m happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theater?
From this we can presume, given the precise detail Coulier acknowledges throughout the rest of the song, that at one point Alanis Morissette gave Dave Coulier a blowjob in a movie theatre. My goal is to find out which movie they were watching during this incident.
PART I: Timing of the Relationship
Coulier began dating Alanis shortly after his divorce in 1992. Allegedly, the two met at a hockey game. I’ll give Coulier the benefit of the doubt and assume he started dating Morissette after her 18th birthday on June 1, 1992, meaning the hockey game would’ve been during the 1992-93 NHL season. I’m also assuming Coulier, flush with Full House cash, would’ve sprung for a regular season NHL game, meaning the earliest possible beginning date for the relationship is October 6th, 1992.
The ending of the affair is slightly trickier — full writing and recording of the Jagged Little Pill album began in earnest after Alanis moved to Los Angeles in early 1994, although Alanis had worked in some capacity with producer Glen Ballard in previous trips to LA. Coupling this with “You Oughta Know“‘s reference to “how quickly I was replaced” and “You seem very well, things look peaceful” (implying at least modest distance between the end of her relationship and the writing of the song), a reasonable outer limit of the termination of the Coulier-Morissette affair is July 1st, 1993.
The movie theater blowjob likely took place between October 6th, 1992 and July 1st, 1993.
PART II: Potential Movies
Given that time frame, what are some likely movie contenders? We are looking at movies that 1) appeared in wide release between October 6th, 1992 and July 1st, 1993 and 2) had low revenue numbers per theater, increasing the likelihood of a sparsely-populated theater in which Morissette could realistically be expected to go down on Coulier. While I’d love to imagine Coulier steaming in anger while watching Robin Williams play the genie in Aladdin (a role Coulier would’ve probably killed for), the movie was far too popular to give adequate room for oral shenanigans.
Using numbers from boxofficemojo.com, the top ten most sparsely attended potential movies are:
PART III: Conclusions
Our intuition is our only guide at this point—Once Upon a Forest is the first one to be eliminated, as it’s hard to imagine a 33 year-old Coulier taking an 18 year-old Morissette to a children’s movie, much less getting a beej during a children’s movie. Ditto Life With Mikey, a movie about a children’s talent agency. Best of the Best II and Dr. Giggles are violent movies appealing to teenage boys, and Aspen Extreme is a ski lodge sex romp, and I frankly cannot come up with a credible hypothesis for how Coulier would convince anybody to go on a date with him to those movies.
That leaves Hear No Evil, The Temp, Body of Evidence, The Dark Half and Boiling Point. Toss out Hear No Evil, as basic dignity excludes any movie focusing on Marlee Matlin’s deafness. Boiling Point, a Wesley Snipes crime movie, and The Dark Half, a Stephen King-based horror movie, each lack a romantic moment in which Coulier/Morissette could’ve made their move.
That leaves The Temp and Body of Evidence, erotic thrillers starring Lara Flynn Boyle and Madonna, respectively. While it’s my judgement call, the greater buzz and wider theatrical release points to Madonna’s Body of Evidence as the movie Alanis and Coulier were watching when she went down on him.
Bold, shocking and titillating, indeed.
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