Josh Patten

My mom was born on May 5th, 1942.  Here are 69 things I love about her (Number 67 is a tautology)

1) To dispense with the obvious, she’s my mom.

2) A few years ago, over dinner with some siblings and in-laws, the topic of strip clubs came up. “Oh, I’d go to a strip club,” Mom said. In response to our agape mouths, she continued, “What? I tried Dippin’ Dots for the first time today, so I’m game for anything.”

3) She is always capable of smiling and laughing, even if she’s feeling down.

4) But she doesn’t use her smiles as a mask to cover up pain, she is just naturally joyful.

5) And her name, fittingly, is Joyce

6) When I was in middle school, Mom pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered a sandwich she had seen on a commercial.  After the confused cashier explained that the sandwich and commercial in question were for Wendy’s, Mom immediately peeled out of the line and drove to Wendy’s…

7) …where she ordered successfully based off the commercial description.

8) To this day, she draws three small balloons on every birthday card she sends me.

9) Mom came to visit in March, and the first thing she did was burst into my apartment, singing Toni Braxton’s “You Mean The World To Me” and holding this

10) She was way cooler than she should have been about me taping Naughty By Nature performing “Hip Hop Hooray” on Soul Train over one of her church dance performances.

11) The following conversation, which happened last May:

Mom: “What’s the name of your improv team? Magmanock? Nagmarock? Mag Noo Nook?

Me: “Ragnarock.”

Mom: “Ragnarock. I’ll probably forget that.”

12) She is great at sensing when I’m feeling particularly down, even if I don’t tell her…

13) …and she’s great at lifting me up when she does.

14) She calls grilled cheese sandwiches “cheese toasties”.  I was in my mid-20s before someone told me that “cheese toasties” is a made-up-Joyce-thing.

15) She brought my older sister Stacie into the world.

16) One of our family’s rituals is playing a complex card game called Shanghai Rum—one feature of this game is the ability to “buy” other players’ discards. The most commonly heard phrase in the Patten family version of this game is Mom saying, “I’ll……buy…….no wait!………….yes!…………no……”

17) Girl cooks a mean sausage casserole.

18) She was an absolute rock for the rest of our family during Dad’s illness. This entry could probably go on another 10,000 words.

19) The following conversation, which happened last August:

Mom: “Nagooflock? Stagmashlock? Gan Mag Ock?

Me: “Ragnarock.”

Mom: “Ragnarock. I’ll probably forget that.”

20) She brought my older sister Kristie into the world.

21) She talks with her hands, constantly. (rolls wrists, facing palms outwards) Constantly.

22) She’s recently developed an unbelievably great sense of humor about aging, “Oh, Josh, at my age…” is one of my favorite expression, because I know something hilarious is coming.

23) She just learned how to send text messages last month.

24) She put up with me listening to Rush Limbaugh loudly every summer day for three hours a day.

25) Every road trip, Mom was in charge of picking our lunch location. Mom would mull over every option we passed before inevitably choosing Cracker Barrel. Casual dining decision equivalent of a Stalin show trial.

26) Mom and I would drive from Dad’s hospital back in Gainesville to Ocala every night I visted, listening to the Delilah Radio Show, often in silence.  I enjoyed those trips.

27) She married my dad.

28) She really stretches the boundaries of time taken between being asked a question and looking up blankly and responding, “What?”

29) She brought my older brother Kevin into the world.

30) She is an awesome Grandma.

31) She let me sleep in and miss the bus to middle school way more often than she had to.

32) She never gave me the third degree whenever I lied and said I was sick and couldn’t go to school.

33) The following conversation, which happened last December:

Mom: “Pagmeestark? Flagshoonook? Ragmablock?

Me: “Ragnarock.”

Mom: “Ragnarock. I’ll probably forget that.”

34) She’s 5’3” but somehow managed to have a bunch of tall kids. This height difference makes for perfect hugs.

35) I’ve never had a phone conversation with her that didn’t end in her saying “I love you”.

36) She was born on May 5th and is okay with my lame “Cinco de Mom-o!” pun.

37) She’s very religious, but never forced her kids to be.

38) Same thing with careers—so long as we’re honestly trying to find our own path and use our gifts to the fullest extent possible, she’s happy.

39) In March, she saw me do a Harold Night show at UCB for the first time. She enjoyed it, even though I played a woman who got blasted across the room and subsequently devoured by a giant sperm.

40) After the show, we had an earnest debate about whether or not I said the word “cock” in a third beat (I did)

41) She brought my older sister Jeanine into the world.

42) Somehow, she fell for the old trick of, “Mom, we’ll let you go to Taco Bell first if you take us to McDonald’s”. So very, very many fast food dinners.

43) She has always had a passion for learning. She dropped out of college to raise a family, but later became a librarian, took college courses, and never stopped learning.

44) After Dad died, she realized there were so many things she had to learn that he always took care of—everything from balancing the checkbook to using her computer’s printer. She viewed this as a challenge and has risen to it. Hell, she learned how to text so she’s game for anything.

45) She has moved around a lot during her life but always finds a supportive circle of friends wherever she goes.

46) Girl makes a mean tuna casserole.

47) The following conversation, which happened in March:

Mom: “Dagnashock? Flaskmebooch? Cagrooneck?

Me: “Ragnarock.”

Mom: “Ragnarock. I’ll probably forget that.”

48) A lot of things make her cry (so I’m not the only one in the family that has trait).

49) She and Dad taught me through example what true love is, everyday of my life.

50) She took Shag Dancing lessons in the late-80’s after we moved to South Carolina and would practice in the kitchen.

51) She was just an unbelievable caretaker for Dad during his illness, even when she was frustrated as hell that he wouldn’t eat anything.

52) Mom, Dad and I celebrated Thanksgiving last year in the Ocala Hospital. Despite red jello being passed off as cranberry sauce, her positive attitude made it a great holiday.

53) She never complained about her birthday being so close to Mother’s Day, at least not as much as I complain about my birthday being close to Christmas.

54) She brought my older brother Jason into the world.

55) Steady. Supply. Of. Gummy. Snacks. In. The. Pantry. Always.

56) She does this “spider fingers”-type motion with her hand every time she’s excited about what she’s talking about.

57) “Oh, garsh!” She says this a lot in lieu of cursing.

58) Whenever she does curse, her word of choice is “Shit!”. She always follows this by saying “Well, I’ve raised 6 kids, I can say it!”

59) Her Mom died before she was a teenager, and she carried that grief with her for a long time. But she’s used that experience to help me out with my grief over Dad’s death.

60) She HATES the phrase “passed away”.  Right on, Mom!

61) She has made so, so much out of every day of her life. I’m sure the young Joyce growing up in rural Indiana would be amazed and proud of the adventures life has brought her.

62) Her sneezes actually spell out the word “Ah-choo!”

63) She cracked a joke about not being “Morning People” at my Dad’s funeral, before realizing that everyone else was talking about “Mourning People”. And then she cracked a joke about that.

64) The following conversation, which happened in April:

Mom: “Ragnarock?

Me: “Nailed it!”

Mom: “Ragnarock. I’ll probably forget that.”

65) Girl cooks a mean pork chop.

66) Due to her height, she provided either me or my brother (depending on how the fight turned out) with TONS of leg room in the car.

67) I love her.

68) I know she loves me

69) She brought me into this world.